What does it mean to listen?

This is intelligent tea drinking. When doulas use this phrase it means that we are making time and space for the parents we are supporting. We are listening, but informally. It is not the formal, therapeutic space of counselling, but a time for the mother to share in a safe space.
Tea is an integral part of our culture. It heals all wounds, is prescribed for shock and grief and is drunk to celebrate the small victories of everyday life. A mug of steaming tea is comforting. It enables and facilitates the sharing of emotions and secrets. Hiding behind our mug allows a certain sense of safety. Sipping creates a moment to think and reflect and facilitates turn-taking in the conversation. A doula will therefore always offer to put the kettle on and make you your favourite brew. Enjoy, knowing that this time can be a time to share and she will listen with open ears and an open heart, without judgement. She knows this is not a time to burden you with HER worries, but to be there for you unconditionally. This time can also be one of companionable silence, or light chit chat. It is your call.

Tips for good communication & listening skills

React with Short Words of Encouragement

Show you are listening by nodding, and using short words – “mmm” “yes” “I see””Go on”

Empathise

“That must have been difficult”, “Sounds like you’ve had a bad time”

Choose An Open Question

Use questions starting with how, what,where, why and who to encourage your client to talk. What was like? How do you feel about …? What’s happening now?

Avoid Closed Questions

These are questions that only need one word answers. They can stop a conversation flowing. Examples:Are you upset? – Yes.

Don’t be afraid to ask

If they don’t want to talk about it they will say so.

Show Positive Body Language

The way you sit or stand can encourage someone to feel relaxed around you, and that you want to hear what they have to say.

Be relaxed but show you are concentrating on what is being said. For example, relax your arms, don’t cross them. Sitting slightly forward and tilting your head shows you are listening. Lots of eye contact but don’t stare.Smiles and nods where appropriate Listen and look for clues

What are the facts? What else might they mean? What have they been feeling? Did they mention something in passing which they are hoping you’ll ask more about?

‘Read Between the Lines’

Do you know what I mean? Don’t assume they know you understand – show them! Do this by summarising what they’ve said. If you don’t understand, ask them to clarify.~ So do you mean ….?~ If I’m hearing you right what you’re saying is…

What to Say When Someone Gets Upset…

Don’t try to say too much or solve their problems, sometimes just listening or even just being there with them is enough.

Active Listening

Here are some aspects of active listening with some examples. For each technique can you think of your own example?

Open Questions – questions that can’t be answered with a simple yes or no.
Examples: ‘How do you feel BF is going?’