Photo by John Cameron on Unsplash
Developing Doulas Course Facilitator, Katie Fryer-Olliffe, shares a deeply personal reflection on her journey into doula work, the importance of community over competition, and how she embraces activism rooted in connection, care, and integrity.
Shortly after having my first child in 2007, I began exploring different careers that might fit around motherhood—thinking that it may offer the flexibility I needed. That exploration took me on quite a journey, starting with looking into a couple of franchise opportunities. What I learned quickly was that some models were built around territoriality and competition. I still remember my first disagreement with someone who contacted me to say the area I was considering for my classes “belonged to them.” This was another woman, claiming ownership of an area, saying I could not work in the same area with a similar offering. That experience left me feeling deeply uncomfortable. I cycled through a lot of emotions and eventually landed in a place of sadness. After that, I moved from one unenjoyable part-time job to another—until I found what I can only describe as my heart work: and trained to become a doula, in 2012, with the wonderful Maddie McMahon at Developing Doulas.
Undertaking that training and being in circle with others, exploring pregnancy, birth and motherhood, was life-changing for me. It was also the beginning of my journey into feminism—particularly intersectional feminism—and the realisation that patriarchal systems do not serve anyone very well. My doula training was so much more than just learning how to support families; it was a full unravelling and reweaving of myself.
After that, I trained with CalmFamily (back then called BabyCalm and ToddlerCalm), and once again I found myself in a space built on connection, community and mutual support. Where it could easily have become another territorial franchise model, instead it was a coordinated, values-driven community. The goals of that work echoed the ethos I had found in my doula training: support, autonomy, informed consent, collective growth, and a shared belief in education and access to evidence. Rather than putting people with similar goals into competition, it brought us into alignment. That, for me, was the beginning of understanding collective activism. It changed me in ways I still can’t fully express.
What doulas and parent supporters are working towards is often beautifully aligned. And where it’s not, there’s still space for understanding, connection, and the kind of collaborative challenge that can lead to powerful change—if we’re willing to meet one another with curiosity, not competition.
The families who come to me for support love that I can genuinely signpost them to others who might be a better fit for their parenting journey. I want my clients to feel empowered to choose the doula who truly aligns with them. I’m not in competition with my colleagues—I want them to thrive. I see their strengths, I celebrate their successes, and I believe deeply in the power of community care. Where there is division, I want to explore it with openness. And where that isn’t possible, I understand the reasons why. Healthy boundaries are necessary too.
A few years later, I made the decision to home educate my children. That decision was driven by many factors, but ultimately by a refusal to ignore their emotional wellbeing. My training with CalmFamily helped me see that learning happens in connection. When my children couldn’t access the support they needed within formal education, I became their facilitator—adapting to their needs, exploring different approaches, noticing what helped them feel safe and open to learning. That experience taught me so much about education, emotional regulation, and myself. When learning was forced, out of sync with their lived experiences, or driven by fear or shame—nothing useful stuck. What did remain was the felt memory of dysregulation and disconnection. Later, some of their learning preferences made more sense as we explored neurodivergence in our family. But one truth stood out above all: humans don’t learn when they are in a shame state. Emotional safety is the foundation of everything.
Now, I’m lucky to be facilitating doula training with the wonderful team at Developing Doulas. I’m also a mentor, a young women’s development worker, and a special guardian to a child who has navigated the care system. Much of my ongoing learning is rooted in trauma awareness, co-regulation, and emotional safety—supporting others to heal and grow by understanding their own nervous systems and needs.
Being in community with the other facilitators at Developing Doulas—Zara de Candole, Aimee Sri Laxmi Hamblyn, Laura Stocks, Becky James and Vicky Walker, and guided by Maddie McMahon—is a gift. We’ve grown together, held one another through change, and continuously reflect on how we work both individually and collectively. It’s not about being “yes people” or sugar-coating hard stuff—it’s about accountability, integrity, and deep care. We hold space for each other, challenge with compassion, and move forward bravely together.
And it is together that we are holding space for around 750 doulas in our online community. We’re proud of that space. We’re proud of the CPD we offer, the reflective work we do, and the commitment we share to create a truly supportive, inclusive, and evolving doula community. Maddie McMahon and Linda Quinn’s founding vision—to build doulas in community with one another—remains central to everything we do.
The doulas I facilitate training for love that I can help them find the right mentor from within our community, one who aligns with their specific needs and direction. No one can be everything to everyone—and we’re not meant to be. What makes our community thrive is that we know one another’s strengths. We celebrate the differences. We fill in the gaps for each other. We are passionate and excited about the same big-picture goals, and when conflict does arise, we do our best to face it with honesty and care. That’s the real magic: not avoiding conflict but learning how to move through it well.
I’ve been part of many communities since becoming a parent, a doula, and a home educator. And I’ve witnessed what happens when conflict cannot be worked through. In my experience, this often comes down to a lack of emotional resources—when people haven’t had access to the tools for understanding their own trauma, nervous system responses, or conflict patterns. That’s not a failing. It’s just a fact: most people haven’t been taught how to do this. I wouldn’t have known either, had I not stumbled upon it through my own journey. But I know now that it matters. Deeply.
And yes, the doula community has its own politics, differences, and fractures. That’s inevitable. But those tensions can also be a sign of growth, of people searching for authenticity, alignment, and change. Discomfort doesn’t mean failure—it often means evolution. In this peri-menopausal chapter of my life, I’m definitely entering my “let them” era. I’m more willing than ever to let go of control, and trust people to find their own way.
That brings me to something that’s been happening more recently in our wider doula spaces—particularly online. We’ve seen a rise in a kind of activism that uses shame as a tool. Some organisations are being publicly targeted for not responding to specific calls to action in the exact way some people demand. Brand new birthworkers are being targeted merely because of the communities they decide to join.
Let me be clear: we wholeheartedly reject shame as a strategy for creating change.
We believe shame-based models of education and “activism” are rooted in the very same patriarchal structures we’re trying to dismantle. We aren’t interested in performative change or reactive measures made under pressure. We are committed to the slow, intentional work of transformation—from a place of connection, compassion, and care.
At Developing Doulas, we continue to use our privilege and position to create meaningful, sustainable change. We work to support the wider doula world to do the same. That means looking inward first. Being accountable. Doing the work. Reflecting, adjusting, learning, using our voices with wisdom and compassion. It’s not always fast, or loud—but it’s real.
If you’ve been affected by the recent dynamics in our wider community, please do reach out. We’re here to support you. We also welcome open-hearted dialogue about how Developing Doulas approaches activism—grounded in intersectionality and rooted in connection rather than division.
DDoula love. 💜
Katie Fryer-Olliffe
Developing Doulas Course Facilitator
Beautifully written and expressed profoundly xxx